Chronic Dissatisfaction.

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Chronic Dissatisfaction, a term María Elena played by Penelope Cruz diagnoses Cristina to have in  the movie, Vicky Cristina Barcelona, as she is always dissatisfied with what she has, at present. She is always restless and aches for something new to happen in her life. It’s like she’s searching for something she doesn’t know what it even is. To label, let alone describe.

Have you ever found yourself in this position? I constantly do.

Vicky made me wonder about the harsh possibility of wanting/dreaming about something your whole life, that it eventually might end up as something you don’t quite want. In her case, it was a person, a life, a marriage she was about to set foot into. Sometimes, I think that the very reason for this paralysis of indecision to hit us when we need to make a decision is because, we have an abundance of choices before us.

In chapter 2 (Marriage & Expectation) of Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace With Marriage, Elizabeth Gilbert says,

“When you have only one path set before you, you can generally feel confident that it was the correct path to have taken.”

Yes, I love this author, this book, this freaking chapter if you haven’t already deduced.

It’s the constant predicament we go through and the constant questioning of whether “this is really what we want” that inhibits us from making a decision in the first place.  Simply put, the paralysis of indecision.

“Vicky returned home to have her grand wedding to Doug. To the house they finally planned to settle in. And to lead the life she envisioned for herself, before that summer in Barcelona. Cristina continued searching… certain only, of what she didn’t want.”

I just finished a book by Sarah Dessen, The truth about forever.

“That was thing. You just never knew. Forever was so many different things. It was always changing, it was what everything was really all about. But there was only one truth about forever that really mattered, and that was this: it was happening.”

It reminded me, yet again, of the picturesque future, Utopia that we make up in our minds is all fictional. What we really have, is now. We don’t need labels for every aspect of our lives, we just to need live and let live. The forever, love claims to be about, might not be case. Forever begins from now, this moment. And this moment, is what counts. Not the happily ever after that might or might not be. As Priya Basil says in The Obscure Logic Of  The Heart,

“I don’t see a point of deferring happiness for some future promise of salvation.”

Going back to the film, it did great in capturing both the love and hate in the complex relationship(s) played by all four characters – María, Cristina, Vicky and Juan. Also, if you aren’t already in love with Barcelona, this film will help you lose yourself in the beautiful Gaudi architecture. And lastly, Woody Allen. Every of his film needs a watch. Enuff’ said.

So go catch this! It’s a very light-hearted movie about love, relationships and its complexities.

“Our love will last forever. It’s forever but it just doesn’t work. That’s why it will always be romantic because it cannot be complete.”

Love.

Have you ever loved someone so deeply that it hurts you? It made, or rather, makes you a better person but still, it consumes you. It’s like a leech feeding off your soul. Like a parasite. All you think about as you get by the day are your shared memories. Memories of all the conversations you’ve had. The tears and the joy shared. You know you’ve to let go and quit being there for everyone else. It’s time you started taking care of yourself. But, how do you do that? How do you let someone go? Especially when they are the reason you breathe easy. Cutting them off is like suffocating yourself with a cloth in the mouth. Mind you, there is already a dagger piercing the heart.

Cut me off. I quit. 

The Wait.

Every bone of hers ached. Ached for his presence to engulf her. It had been days since she last heard his voice, her lullaby. And months since they slept together. Nothing pleasure-some or sexual; just the pure innocence in 2 lovers embracing the warmth and comfort from sharing the same physical space with each other. This overseas posting had taken a toll on their relationship. But, he had promised to call no matter how late or how tired he was, since it was their 1 year anniversary. Thoughts began formulating at the back of her mind as she watched the hands of the Michael Kors watch, he had presented to her, tick. She began wondering if he had forgotten and already slept. Here she was staying up for him, like a fool. A wild thought, a total 360˚ from that, crossed her mind. “What if he actually flew down to surprise me and so is still stuck in baggage clearance or something?” The saner part of her, slapped herself back to reality within seconds of course. She woke up several hours later when the rays of the morning sun hit her rosy cheeks, only to see a missed call alert. Indeed, he had called.

Walking away.

She faded into oblivion knowing he would choose the other. So, she decided to walk away even before he actually spoke his mind, if at all. He was used to being indecisive. In anything and everything that required decision making, he was used to conveniently putting the burden on another and getting the easy way out. This matter was no different.

Despite the fact that there used to be a time, he was the anchor of the relationship holding them down. He kept fighting for them to be together despite the odds. On some nights it weighed him down heavier than the others. Yet when morning came, he was back to being the fighter he was.

But now, all she holds within her are the figments of their distant past. The boy she fell in love with was no longer to be found; or was he just hidden beneath the exterior he shows right now. She walked away wondering.